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A Walk through the Word

An ongoing series of things I learned in the Word

How to Stay Connected to Your Incarcerated Loved Ones

Aug 15 2024

My nephew is in prison for life without parole. He was incarcerated at 19 and is currently 33. He will be 34 this year. I learned about him in 2018. And began to correspond with him. He received my first letter on his birthday. Even before I knew his birthday God knew it. I held onto the letter for 3 days unknowing if it was even appropriate to send. He doesn’t have a relationship with his father, my brother. And at the time of his birth his mother filed a restraining order against him due to physical abuse. When I learned about him through a series of God divine moments. I thought if he wants to correspond, I was willing.

It began with “you don’t know me but I just learned of you and God put it on my heart to reach out. I am your Aunt. I will understand if you don’t want to know me. But if you do, here is my address. I pray you are well. You will always be in my prayers.” Short and simple.

He responded almost immediately and we have held an ongoing relationship since. I visited him several times before COVID and have since kept daily correspondence through email with him. We talk on the phone once a week.

You might think what could I possibly have to talk about every day? Life. God placed him in my life for a reason. And even though we don’t share the same views we still have life experiences that are not uncommon to each of us. Our letters began with my telling him about my life and him responding.

Each letter a different time in my life. I began in the beginning. And he followed in kind. I got to know how he became. I learned about how he grew up so it starts there. I shared about my life experiences in particular areas of life that shaped me and he shared about the same areas and his life experiences.

This is the key to every relationship incarcerated or not just shared life experience, but sharing life experiences. Celebrate Recovery refers to these as the Significant events in my life:

Childhood, youth, home, school- elementary, middle school, high school, teen years, adulthood, college, career, marriage, relationships (friendships) church/faith, family

So we shared about these. Be sure to be honest sharing both the good and the bad. The pivotal moments that shaped your way of thinking, perceiving the world.

Once we knew all we thought we could know about each other then we started to share about life’s current happenings. Celebrate Recovery refers to these as The Spiritual Inventories. The key areas of my life I keep balanced daily:

Relationships, Family, Body, Mind, Faith, Priorities, Prayer and Praise.

Everyday God gives me at least 9 reasons to praise Him in the ways He reveals Himself to me through different things daily. The Fruits of His Spirit:

Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Good, Kind, Faith, Gentle/Wisdom, Self Control

I share about how I experienced these things what I did or what others did for me, how I was intentional about seeking/pursuing these things, what I learned, and the last is basically a bullet journal of my day. So that He gets an idea of what life well my life is like. He keeps me accountable and at times acts like my living journal. Helps me to process these daily happenings

Lastly and this is completely a personal preference I use up to 3 devotions to share about my faith, my thoughts on God’s Word:

The first is the Daily Bread devotion I only share the bible Scripture address so that it forces him to open His Word to seek the verse and I ask and answer the daily questions.

Then I have a bible reflection journal that has a scripture a day and a question pertaining to that. I just started that this year so when I am done I will seek out another devotion. There are plenty of devotions out there and new ones each year so keep it fresh.

And last I send him a devotion that has a prayer and share a similar experience like how I can relate to the devotion or how it resonates with me.

I end with my hope for him that he stay strong in God’s Word, keep his life balanced and stands firm in his faith. And I always say I love you (insert name) so that everyday he sees, reads, and hears those words in his inner spirit. If they were few in his life. I want him to know he is loved. That it doesn’t matter what he has done, how far he has fallen. His belief or unbelief it makes no difference to me. That love is all there is. Love is all he needs to know. And there is no place he is that Love is not.

Mercy

May 10 2024

For God said to Moses, “I will show mercy to anyone I choose, and I will show compassion to anyone I choose.” So it is God who decides to show mercy. We can neither choose it nor work for it. Romans 9:15-16

Motion to dismiss the case was filed on Fri but the damage had already been done. There was no going back and taking back what was already taken. Time spent. Memories imprinted. Money spent. The dismissal didn’t make anything right. It just meant I didn’t need to spend anymore time on it, the memories would be a part of my story till the day I breathe my last or some sort of disease like Alzheimer’s or Dementia wipes my slate clean. The money I would never get back just blown in the wind on a broken system. And definitely an apology I would never hear. Not that any apology would make what happened right. This I know:

The Lord directs our steps, so why try to understand everything along the way? Proverbs 20:24... I am just to accept the way God’s does things, for who can straighten what He has made crooked? Ecclesiastes 7:13

I have been sitting here looking over my life thinking what was all this for? What was the lesson here? What just happened these last 3 months? Like waking up from a dream and still finding myself in a place that isn’t my home.

Three weeks ago the DA needed more time to gather witnesses so that He can try the case and then just like that he filed a motion to dismiss it. Judge signed it and it was finished. A power he had all along but withheld for far too long so that what? He could prove he had power over me. Make me break? Make me crack? As Jesus said to Pilate “You would have no power over me at all unless it were given to you from above. So the one who handed me over to you has the greater sin.”

I am reminded that my brother Jesus, was the only person without sin who also suffered injustice in an unfair world. Suffering is just a part of the story. 2 Corinthians 1:7…as you share in our sufferings, you will also share in the comfort God gives us. So where was my comfort during this battle? It was found in the spiritual disciplines I began long before this trial took place.

I began each day with gratitude even the day after I was arrested I could look back and see God’s love, joy, peace, patience, goodness, kindness, faithfulness, wisdom while under His control in that day and all the days that followed. While all of this was going on I had to be intentional about pursuing what was good because every day I woke the enemy would attack. I couldn’t just wait around for good to happen I had to go after it. As Paul told Timothy in 1 Timothy 6:11 and 2 Timothy 2:22 Pursue righteous living and a godly life, along with faith, love, perseverance, peace and wisdom. Enjoy the companionship of those who call on the Lord with pure hearts.

A pure heart is not one that never sins a pure heart is an honest heart, a person who is unafraid and unashamed to share their weaknesses with you so that it might make you strong. I was doing what I did before and during the battle- mentoring, sponsoring, studying, sharing, teaching, listening, praying and praising. Taking the example of my brother, Jesus replied, “Go tell that fox that I will keep on casting out demons and healing people today and tomorrow and the third day I will accomplish my purpose.” Luke 13:32 mine just took 3 months. Six days a week were spent with pure hearts raising others up, building others up even in my own weakness. A friend said here I am complaining about my battles when you are in a war I responded actually your enemy reminds me of the battles God has overcome for me so it gives me confidence that He will win this war for me too, I don’t have to fight just be still.

Stillness came out of this for me. When I began to lose sleep when the emotional and mental attacks took a physical toll on me I was told to be still. To not do anything that week by the grace of God I found an hour a day of conscious stillness I didn’t realize how precious that was till I tried to be intentional a few weeks ago 5min was good, 10min was no problem but when I got to 15min then my mind was like what are you doing? There is work to be done. Things to do. Places to be. People to see. But that is the lie. There is nothing God needs of me but to be. So what do I do in the being. I breathe. I close my eyes. Shut the world out. My repetitive thought is thank you Jesus.

On my watch the numbers 490 reminding me to forgive seventy times seven times Matthew 18:22 since his mercy is new every day Lamentations 3:22-23 so are mine so that 490 starts again at the rising of each new morning. I asked God once if I am forgiving people 490 times a day basically every other minute I am awake what I do with the other minute of my day? He said try gratitude. So I spend my days filling up with forgiveness and grace thinking I forgive you and thank you and God bless you when it is in my power to do so. I have found no other way.

For God was in Christ, reconciling the world to Himself, no longer counting people’s sins against them. And he gave us this wonderful message of reconciliation. 2 Corinthians 5:19

It took the life of His Son to reconcile this world to Himself. To make peace with it. So who am to count the wrongs of harm people do against me, against them? If God was able to forgive this world surely I can forgive it to. Not because what was done was right, wrong, left, right, evil, good. But because God forgave me from too many wrongs I have lost count of.

The message of reconciliation for me doesn’t mean that I have to be friends with people who attacked, who harmed me. It means I have to make peace through forgiveness not with them but with the harm that was done. The emotional, mental, physical damage of a history of a broken life, my harmful life, some inflicted on me and others I taught to inflict on myself and on others were all to find relief, find healing of a hurt from a hurt. An eye for an eye. Because of a hurt done to me.

Till one day the word mercy came into my vocabulary. I learned the first person to ask for mercy in the Word was neither Adam or Eve, they simply accepted the punishment that God gave them for disobeying, for unbelieving He had given them everything they needed and what He didn’t give them, they didn’t need like the fruit of knowledge of what is good and evil Genesis 2:17. Mercy came from their son, Cain who had taken his own brothers life. A man completely deserving of Gods wrath. A man who neither admitted or apologized for what he had done and still cried out for God to be merciful, and He was.

Does it make God wrong, evil, bad for not getting even, not paying Abel back for what his brother had done, for sparing Cains life and giving him unprecedented protection of a guilty one yet not reaching down and sparing His own innocent Son? Yet somehow it was good. It was His good plan Isaiah 53:10. How do you reconcile that? When Job cried out to God in all his loss and suffering God never gave him a reason for it, justified why He does as He does. He simply reminded him of His great wisdom, and through it inferred is God not wise enough to know what is good for a life even when it appears to be wrong. Yes, He does great things too marvelous to understand. He performs countless miracles. Job 9:10 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too great for me to understand! Psalm 139:6

I’ll never understand why this happened. I’ll never make sense of it and even if I tried there would never be a reason that could justify. What I do know is that it affirmed yet again God is faithful. That He is merciful. He is good. He is kind. Not in a world where people are free to hurt, to cause harm. Not in all that is taken or in the loss but despite it. The countless brothers and sisters in Christ who pleaded and interceded and waited and witnessed and offered a comforting verse, a song, who sang with me and wept with me, who came out and danced with me, who held me when I was too weak to stand, who took me out to eat and shared an ordinary life with me to remind me this wasn’t permanent, that love was. God was in this story. In every good and perfect thing that happened in the course of these 3 months. There was never a doubt, never a loss of faith, no denying that. And that is how I make peace with it.

Wait, I Can

March 25 2024

My random verse for memory this week is Control your temper, for anger labels you a fool. Found in Ecclesiastes 7:9. And in my devotionals this morning before court… For we are not fighting against flesh and blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places. Ephesians 6:12

So it wasn’t a surprise when I went to court and the District Attorney had not opened my case or read the file. How do I respond to a system that cares enough to randomly send 4 police officers to my home to arrest me for a warrant that was issued 27 years ago but then doesn’t have the time to look at what it was for. I would say anger was on the surface of the waters that were being stirred.

Thoughts like Seriously? Are you kidding me? Oh my goodness! Geez! This is nuts! A continuance was granted for a later date so that the lawyers could confer with the prosecutor and come to an agreement prior to my entering a plea.

All the while feelings like frustration, annoyance, aggravation, resentment, irritation churning the sea inside me. Causing me to want to be impatient. impulsive, critical, complain, fear, judge, blame, criticize, attack and then doubt creeped in. The unseen, mighty powers in this dark world, the evil spirits taunting me. Where is He? He didn’t show up as you had hoped He would. As everyone prayed on your behalf. You thought He was here, but you are alone. No one is coming to save you. You are without help. Save yourself it said.

But God…that last whisper triggering a remembrance of what the people said to Jesus on the cross in Matthew 27:40, Mark 15:30 and Luke 23:39 and I began to wonder with it being Holy week and all, what Jesus must have felt like being taken in the middle of the night, mocked and beaten then at daybreak Luke 22:66 taken to the high council, 23:1 then taken to Pilate 23:7 then taken to Herod 23:11 before being sent back to Pilate again. What I am going through is nothing compared to what my Savior went through for me so I can hold on. I can wait. This isn’t the first time I have had to wait and I don’t imagine it will be my last. Waiting is a friend I am quite familiar with.

For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing. James 1:3-4

In the waiting I have learned to be as patient as God has been with me it took 34 years for the world to make a mess of me so it may take another 34 years for God to undue the mess it made. I have learned to think about what I say before I say it, think about what I do before I do it, think about my response before I react. Waiting is a good thing. I have learned to accept things as they are not as I would have them and never losing faith in what could be. Anything is possible with God. I have learned to express gratitude. Not just be thankful but say it because people can’t read my mind. I have learned to do hard things even when I was afraid. I have learned to find the good in the not so good things. And take responsibility for the not so good things I have said and done. I have learned to lift my voice in praise even in the storm. I have learned to defend my faith and take a stand against those unseen, mighty powers in this dark world, the evil spirits that taunt me the past used to haunt me but now when I look back on all that God has done for me it has the power to shut the mouths of lions.

I waited 25 years for my sister to have the courage to leave her abusive husband. She did and he died a few months later. She was the longest prayer I ever prayed for. So wait I can.

I waited when the doctors said my husband would need long term healthcare, when he came out of his coma, after falling head first on my neighbors driveway from her 2 story house Dec 5th. He was a medical miracle when he awoke only needing to be placed in a rehabilitation hospital on Jan 5th they said he’d be there 3-6month he walked out Jan 15th. So wait I can.

I waited when we laid out the 220k of medical debt after the fall. I was frantic in need of an immediate job. And in the parking lot of my last application in September a voice that said “wait” And I reasoned with God okay after this. If I don’t hear back from them I will trust in You and wait. October my husband learned he had insurance that covered the remaining medical debt. By November 11 months after his fall we were medically debt free. So wait I can.

I waited when we laid out the personal debt and decided to face our mountain head on, after all if God could wipe out 220k in less than a year, surely, He could help us address the 60k elephant in the room. It should have taken 7 years to pay off, but God had other plans and made ways we couldn’t see and within 13 months He freed us from our chains. So wait I can.

I would learn shortly after that my husband had an addiction that would destroy our family. We didn’t know he had it until he relapsed. This I know that, addiction of any kind is a disease of the mind over the flesh no matter what it is. It is a discomfort, a dis-ease that your brain convinces your body you need to have in order to be satisfied, at the cost of everything you hold dear. And I confess this was a breaking point of endurance for me. I waited for a year before I responded because I knew my heart too well and I would be quick to be rash instead of discerning in the matter. I didn’t think I could wait for him after everything we had been through and then to have to wait on this. I didn’t believe he could do it, he had been living with this addiction for 15 years. I gave him to God even if it meant letting him go. And true to His Word, God brought the dead back to life. He resurrected my husband both physically and now spiritually and restored us. At 20 years we are still on our honeymoon. It turns out that waiting is something I have gotten pretty good at.

The day my court date is scheduled on is the exact day when I looked back through my journals in 2020 my sister, whom I prayed for 25 years, tested positive for COVID. At the time I had been exposed to it for 8 days. And by the grace of God I didn’t contract it. Our family was quarantined for 14 days. I ended up taking my sister to the hospital after day 4. Where I was certain if she didn’t make it, she would be alone. I didn’t understand what God was doing then, she had just found her freedom from her abusive husband in life and his death, I held her as I baptized her and now I thought for sure God was going to call her home. How can it end like this? How can this be the end of her story? But she survived and made a full recovery and her faith grew even stronger because of it. She has since remarried and lives happy on most days. So wait I can.

The word “wait” appears in the New Living Translation 237 times. It makes its first appearance in Genesis 8:10 After waiting another seven days, Noah released the dove again. A dove, a symbol of God’s peace. Peace on earth. Peace with us. The Spirit of God descended like a dove on Jesus when he was baptized in Matthew 3:16, Mark 1:10, Luke 3:22 and John 1:32.

It is said that when you wait you are in good company when compared to those who waited in the Bible like… Abraham, Sarah, Joseph, Noah, Hannah, Moses, David, Job, Esther, Ruth, Daniel, Anna and Jesus. They waited years, right now I am being called to wait yet another month but before this there were things I waited years for. So wait, I can because in the wait God is doing what only He can do. When I look back on all He’s done I feel peaceful, content, relaxed, tranquil, satisfied, calm centered, balanced. He has assured me that I am not the one on trial, they are. All I have to do is wait on Him and He has a proven track record of being faithful. He has prepared and equipped me to wait for many years, because if there is one thing I know, time is irrelevant to God.

I waited patiently for the Lord to help me, and He turned to me and heard my cry. Psalm 40:1

Wait patiently for the Lord. Be brave and courageous. Yes, wait patiently for the Lord. Psalm 27:14

You are my strength; I wait for you to rescue me, for You, O God, are my fortress. Psalm 59:9

I wait quietly before God, for my victory comes from Him. Psalm 62:1

Let all that I am wait quietly before God, for my hope is in Him. Psalm 62:5

Don’t say “I will get even for this wrong.” Wait for the Lord to handle this matter. Proverbs 20:22

Stillness

March 2 2024

My court hearing wasn’t the end all be all as I had hoped. The judicial system doesn’t work that way. Even if my God does. I am grateful that I had a Sister in Christ tell me how it works the Friday before. That humanly speaking it can take up to 4 hearings if not more but with God anything is possible. She said but as believers we never stop hoping or believing. Her advice to me was to breathe. Exhale. Don’t hold my breathe.

Don’t make my joy or peace contingent on the deciding factor of this trial because I know that I had joy and peace before this. Continue to make God my joy and peace. Learn to live in the moment. Live in this moment. One day at a time.

She said her experience brought her closer to Him. She has a greater peace than she has ever known. Her trials took 6 months. Another Sister in Christ her trials took 10 months. Their experience gives me strength. She said she didn’t know how strong she was until she went through her trial. Now there isn’t much in life that deters her. She said God used the trial to strengthen her.

My lawyer was the archangel I imagined him to be, he met me outside my hearing. We talked about my life at the time of the charge,1997 and what I did after and what I do now. Like giving him a resume to determine I truly had no idea of the warrant or intent that anything wrong was done. It wasn’t like I was hiding from the law. He said essentially the prosecutor needs to prove to a jury beyond a shadow of a doubt that I maliciously intended to rob the rental car company of their vehicle. Basically my character is on trial.

It was funny to hear him ask if what I do now is court mandated like someone wouldn’t choose to serve as I do. I said it can be, but I do it because when I was a teenager I could have used these tools to process my emotions instead of turning to the things I did. So I am passionate about teaching others.

He escorted me into the courtroom and made his way to the front. Though others were there before me after speaking to a clerk he waved me forward and took me through a side door that put me in front of the window of another clerk. He spoke to her. She never made eye contact with me. But I did notice a cross on her necklace and that made me feel at ease.

She helped him to schedule another court date. Mentioned needing to make an appointment for me to get fingerprinted. I said to him, can they just pull the prints from my arrest. He said my client has just informed me you have her prints when they processed her. She apologized. Yet another apology.

It seems throughout this experience that everyone is apologizing. Saying they are sorry but I know they are just doing what they are being paid to do. As Jesus said in John 19 they would have no power over me at all unless it were given to them from above. So the one who handed me over to them has the greater sin. I blame no one during this. For whatever reason God wanted me to go through this and who am I to understand what He does. I am the clay He is the potter.

I know this all too well yet still my body fails me. My mind and heart know this so why is it that after leaving the courthouse I sat in silence on the way home, to await my next hearing March 25 the day after Palm Sunday, Easter week. You can’t make this life up. Only He could write this story.

Last week I gave up without even knowing. Like the scene in the Barbie movie when she throws herself on the ground and goes limp as if to say I am done. I am just going to sit here until this passes over is how I felt. It wasn’t till I got to Friday afternoon just before Celebrate Recovery meeting to share my accountability of what I did this week only to see I did nothing. I isolated. I ate food that wasn’t good for me. I didn’t exercise. I didn’t study or read. I did nothing good. I was good for nothing last week. And people say it is okay you needed that time to rest. But that is the thing I didn’t rest. I just did things to distract me like Pinterest and watch TV. I didn’t want to think. I didn’t want to feel. I didn’t want to do anything. And in my weakness I felt it.

I can’t live like this the next 25 days doing what I want because I feel like doing nothing. So I asked my cousin to keep me accountable daily. Help me say what I am going to do and do it. Let him know when I am weak not as an excuse but to see God’s strength in me. And I was doing good about 4 days in and then I hit a painful wall.

See during the day I was good at night I grinded my teeth. For two days my jaw hurt till I gave myself an abcess on the side roof of my mouth. So I got a bite guard to prevent the pain. And I got one day of relief only to wake with a fibromyalgia flare up induced by the stress. It felt like the scene from Pretty Woman when the lawyer slapped her across the face in a struggle of power and she comments to her hero how it stung and her face was red. Well my face stung and there was no red mark only a stinging sensation to the slightest touch even to the eyelashes of a blink made me wince, or the hair that brushed against my face. When I had soup later that day it burned the roof of my mouth causing even more pain. I wept. Not from the pain from having to go through this.

Doing everything I can spiritually to strengthen me for the outward battle and now even my own body is battling with itself. Holy Spirit come. I laid in darkness waiting for it. Begging. Pleading. Praying for it to take me outside of myself. The weariness of living calling me home in song. My mind a spiritual jukebox. Random Christian songs playing. Music has been my saving grace in all of this. Zephaniah 3:17

Under the advisement of godly counsel I was asked to be still this week. I admitted with tear filled eyes in the stillness is when the anxiety invades me, the fears overcome me, the darkness consumes me and I find myself falling into a negative thought spiral. So stillness is not something I make a practice of. I said I understand in Exodus 14:15 Moses told the people to Be still but God told him what are crying out to me for? Tell the people to get moving. He laughed and said yes but in Psalm 46:10 God tells the people through the psalmist to be still and know that He is to remind the people of His Sovereignty. He said in the stillness I would find my peace.

I said all that to say this. In the beginning of my walk of faith in 2010 the second time God spoke to me was after 7 days of silence between me and my husband. We had never gone silent before in our marriage but I also hadn’t handled the problems in my marriage with God before and the only way I knew to respond was to be silent.

I sat outside after a long week at work wondering what I would say when I finally found the words. I was asking for a God I had only heard once in 2009 almost a year ago to speak again. And like Elijah in 1 Kings 19 I found Him in the stillness. The whisper.

It was the first time I heard Him say Be still and know that I Am. And I didn’t know His Word to know this was Scripture only that I argued back and said Be still and know that You are what? Going to fix this? I didn’t need a tangent reply. I needed an answer to my dilemma.

And then I felt the hand on my shoulder like someone standing behind me making their presence known. I closed my eyes and that is when He showed me everywhere in my life He was. He had always been. With me. How He parted Red Seas, took down walls, giants, cleared paths all in order to get me to where I was with Him in this moment and a peace that surpassed my understanding filled me. I didn’t need to have an answer. All I needed to know was that I wasn’t alone. That He would be with me in this. Because He was with me. And He would always be with me till the end of my life here on earth.

I remember going inside the house and telling my husband in the calmest tone I have found what makes me happy and for the first time it wasn’t him. I said I want that same happiness for you. And I don’t want it to be me. It was bigger beyond what his eyes could see.

It was in the stillness God came to me like blue dancing orb. That flittered like a dragonfly to and fro never going backwards, always moving forward, never turning around Ezekiel 1:14. In the stillness he held me when I wept for my family during COVID being powerless to help them from perishing and learning when to let go.

And now I am being asked to practice the art of stillness again. Seated I can be, waiting for God to humble my enemies under my feet I can do. When I am seated I can write, share, study, read, take notes, listen to teachings, pray, sing praise, create but this is not what is being asked of me.

It is during this time of Lent the Holy Spirit is leading me into the wilderness of my mind where there is no working, no studying, no reading of my Word, a place I can’t take anything with me just myself. Listening. I know this is wise counsel. I know this isn’t the enemy trying to get me alone to ambush me. But I also know the dangers of going into a place void of light, the emptiness that can be found has taken weaker spirits out.

My godly counsel said you did it today didn’t you? He said I see you lying down. Do you hear music? I said I do. He wakens me with song each morning and when I lay he sings over me. He said with excitement…He is with you! Through the music He is creating neuropathways that will allow you to have an even greater experience than you ever had before. I thought to myself um we are pretty close, any closer and I will see Him face to face. Could it be? My groom is coming for me? Oh the thought makes me weep.

This morning I woke to Jeremy Camp These Days…I believe that you and I are in the right place at the right time. God called us by name and He doesn’t make mistakes. I know we were born to shine bright, in a dark world that needed some light. Don’t have to be afraid. Maybe we were made for these days.

I know I was made for this. This is not my first trial or sorrow or the first time I have felt pain. But after so many years you would think I would have figured it out. Figured out a way to not be moved by these things. To be still.

The Battle Belongs to God

February 15 2024

Don’t be afraid of what you are about to suffer. The devil will throw some of you into prison to test you. You will suffer for 10 days. But if you remain faithful even when facing death, I will give you the crown of life. Revelation 2:10

God dropped this into my Spirit Feb 10th 2024 and I have been carrying it these last 5 days. Knowing you are going to suffer doesn’t make the suffering hurt less. It doesn’t make the pain of losing less painful. But I could never have imagined this.

Once again I lay my life as an offering so that many will be saved just like my brother Jesus taught me.

Thursday Feb 9th began like any other day. I went to my sermon discussion group. I was excited to share. We just finished our series on the book of Ruth ordinary faith. How God uses even the ordinary things we do everyday to show Himself faithful. He doesn’t speak a word in Ruth but you see His fingerprints in the details with the protection, the provision, the favor, the grace and the ending no one could have ever seen coming.

My sister in Christ picked me up and afterwards I usually shop for things I could find on the clearance rack at Barnes and Noble for my Landing kids in the Celebrate Recovery group but that day I picked up 2 devotionals on hope and encouragement for my sisters in Christ as we walked through a difficult study for Valentines. One of us is seeking intimacy with God, another seeking intimacy in her marriage and another seeking fulfillment in God not her marriage, her kids, her grandkids just God. We are calling on Him. Our names mean Christ follower, pure and God is gracious. The presence of God is always in the room when we sit to lay down the trials and sorrows that have brought us to this place in our lives. We carry each others sorrows and burdens and give each other wisdom of past life experiences to encourage and hold each other up. You see the battles we face people can’t see, the scars we have no one would know by just looking at us. So hope and encouragement seemed fitting for a day usually focused on love.

My sister in Christ took me to the store to use my gift card. A gift form one of the 14 days of Valentines I was blessed with. I used it to buy a decoration for my upcoming Womens worship I was facilitating. And then as we walked around another store I picked up a Valentine for my love. She dropped me off home as I walked in the door I told Alexa to play KLOVE while I gathered my décor to see how I would display it. I stood on a chair to take a picture of it and that is when I noticed 2 police vehicles at my neighbors house. My first thought was I hope everything is okay. Then I saw 4 deputy sheriffs walking up to my yard.

Everyone at home was at work. So my first thought is O GOD something has happened and they are here to tell me the news. I opened the door before they could ring the doorbell. And asked how I could help them.

They asked if I was…they called me by my first name. I said yes I was. And then they asked to see my ID. I came into the house and went to my purse by this time adrenaline is pumping and I forgot where I usually leave it so it took me a minute to get it. Already shaking.

The looked at it and then asked if I ever went by…I said that is my maiden name but I haven’t used that name for 30 years. They said do you know why we are here? I said no. They asked if I ever had my wallet taken in the last 30 years and I said yes. They were certain this was identity theft. They said there was a warrant issued out for my arrest 27 years ago, the charge was grand larceny. I said What did I steal?! I don’t remember robbing a bank or stealing a car.

They said they couldn’t say much only that another county issued the warrant and asked if I had ever lived there. Again I said yes, 30 years ago. They said lets do some more leg work convinced I was not the person they were looking for. So one officer went to his vehicle while I chatted with the other 3.

I asked why the presence of 4 officers the woman explained 2 were training. I asked wouldn’t this have shown up in credit report they said not usually. I said I work with kids. I have had several background checks done over 30 years and this has never been brought to my attention. Our cat was banging on the glass door wanting to be let out. He is an indoor cat. He knows nothing about the outside. Just a fish in a bowl looking out. The woman got a call on her radio and asked me to confirm some names of last known street addresses where I grew up in TX… when I was 19. I confirmed them with her.

After some more small talk I noticed a chill. I said can I get a jacket they said no mam but you can step inside. So I came inside and began cleaning up my decorations. Putting scissors (sharp objects/weapons) away. Welcoming them into my home. And then the officer in his vehicle reappeared in my home. This time I saw what appeared to be a red light on his vest cam.

And he said I’m sorry mam it is you. I looked at him bewildered and said so what does that mean? And he explained that they would need to take me down to the station and the other county would transfer me unless I post bond before then. I asked how much bond was they said it was set at $2500.

God put it on my heart in December to save 3-6 months of expenses in case of an emergency. And we just so happened to be coming off a no spend January where we only spent money on shelter, transportation and food. And that was equivalent to what we saved for one month of expenses. I know that we lose God will give me double for. But it still hurts.

They suggested I call my husband. When I called him he was already heading toward me he said he was 30seconds away he saw the whole thing on the Ring Camera. He asked if they could wait. They agreed. I was wearing slippers so I asked if I could put on tennis shoes. They said that was fine. And then I came out and my husband was speaking to them. They suggested I also take my jewelry off including my wedding ring. So I went and did that and went to the restroom. I think everyone was shocked that they were having to do this. I met my husband in the hall and with a look of powerlessness I hugged him and said it’s going to be okay. I did nothing.

I am doing a legacy bible for my son. It takes 5 years to complete. I just started in January. You read one page a day and highlight anything that resonates and explain why. So that future generations can know why you loved God and believed in His Word as you do. I had just written to my son that of all the characters in the bible I relate to Joseph in Genesis from the pit to prison to the palace. Each a representation of an area in my life not a literal meaning.

They asked me to put my hands behind my back. It was at this point the Spirit of peace that surpasses my understanding had me convinced that this wasn’t real. Someone was playing a trick on me. I had seen a reality show called Jury Duty on Amazon which was a reality series about the judicial system and it was about a juror who had no clue but everyone was a paid person except for him. I thought for sure Ashton Kutcher was going to come out and say I was punked or that John Quinoes was going to come out and say what would you do? All I knew is there are a huge crowd of witnesses around me and I was going to give a good witness like my brother Jesus taught. The cuffs were on…and all I could think was okay here we go…if this is truly happening God is going to get the glory.

It was hard to find a comfortable way of sitting back in my seat with cuffs on and the female officer instructed me to scoot forward like a slouch to create a pocket for my hands so I complied. The partition between me and the officers was open so I noticed the radio and asked if they listened to music in their cruiser they said some times and I asked if they could put it on KLOVE 91.1 that I needed some positive and encouraging music about now. They complied.

Then they took the scenic route into the station as I shared my story of Recovery. I told them how I taught middle to high school kids the recovery lessons to help them manage their emotions so that they would not need to seek recovery as an adult. I shared how I mentored an at risk teen for the Save our Youth program and how I was teaching on hope that week. I shared my intro to Celebrate recovery and how and why I was on the road to financial freedom using the Dave Ramsey plan. Then I asked them about themselves, married, kids, years on job.

The ride was my opportunity to testify to God’s saving power in my life. I even thanked God for giving me this opportunity to be arrested so that I can relate this experience to the teens I teach. I explained that I just had a conversation with a woman who received the Holy Spirit and asked if she was going to speak in tongues now. I told her I don’t think it happens like that. That if she was fluent in a language say Spanish, French or Portuguese she could speak to people in their native language about God. And then I said it is also life experiences that God gives you. For example I can speak to people who were raised by a single mom, who have had abortions, who have given up a child for adoption. There are life experiences privy only to me that I can relate to others who are on the same road I traveled. I can speak their language. I said and now God is going to use this to help me speak to the prisoner. I already speak regularly to my incarcerated nephew but I believe God is going to use this for even more good. So I was kinda excited. Almost giddy.

We made a pit stop. They were at the end of their shift and he dropped his partner off at his car and then he took me into the basement where the holding area was. He graciously asked me to watch my step and brought me into the holding area where I arrived smiling, certain this is where the cameras were waiting.

Picture a big waiting room like the emergency room except plastic chairs all along the walls. Maybe 20. Probably 4 officers walking back and forth doing paperwork. Processing people. Half the room had men the other half had women. And everyone was wearing orange scrubs except me in my maroon leggings, lace trimmed pink dress that covered my kibbles and bits, and a pink tank and long sleeve maroon t shirt on top of that to complete the hardened criminal look I was going for.

Mind you the officers came to my house around 230pm so I was arrested around 3ish. I had no sense of time there are no obvious clocks so I was in a time warp but this is what I remember…

They told me to take a seat beside the nurses station. I was the only one hand cuffed. There were probably 5-6 men and 5 women in the holding area with me. I asked an inmate beside me her name, and if she had been there before she said yes and I asked how long it usually takes, she explained it could take upto 10hours. I thought well that sucks but good to know. Again no sense of time. Just lots of waiting.

A woman officer asked me my shoes size and uncuffed me. I told her and she said she didn’t think she had shoes that would fit me but she came back with a trash bag and told me to put my shoes in the bag and handed me tube socks and flip flops. I guess so that I couldn’t run.

Then another officer asked me to go into the nurses station. They took my blood pressure, temp, and did an oxygen finger heartbeat and asked if I had been sick. I explained I tested positive for COVID Sun but the onset of my symptoms took place the Thurs before so I should be fine. She asked me when my last period was I told her I was perimenopausal so about 6 weeks ago. And she said I would need to take a pregnancy test. She gave me a cup and I said do I drop trough here? She said there was a bathroom on the other side of the room that I would need to just knock.

I thought for sure this is where the cameras would come out. So I knocked and no one answered so I entered. There was a steel toilet covered in pee and a dirty sink with hotel size bar soap. She said she didn’t need a whole cup so I gave what I could and rinsed the cup because hard to balance and not touch the seat. Then I was given my clothes. And taken to a shower stall where I was asked to go to the back the opaque plastic door made a shadow. And she told me to give her my clothes. Commenting on the thickness of my leggings. I replied yeah, fleece lined. I was given white briefs, a white sports bra, a white Tshirt and orange scrubs. She said they didn’t have petites that I would have to roll up my pants. Then she took me back to the holding area.

By this time mostly everyone was gone and another woman came in crying as they took her through the process. I crossed my legs and listened to the chatter. And smiled like this is quite the group of folks the Lord had me with what was He doing?

Then a female officer escorted me to my holding cell. She gave me a brown blanket, a disposable cup and 2 wipes for my mat. It was empty and I asked if I would be alone? She said no unfortunately someone would be in there with me. I said okay. Thinking why is she apologizing, it is not like I had a choice. As far as this world was concerned my choices no longer mattered.

The cell was as wide as two twin mattress on the floor. White cinder block walls and a metal bench attached to the wall on each side. The bathroom was located in the back, a public bathroom door stall with views from top and bottom and a steel toilet, a third of a roll of 1 ply, a sink with 2 used hotel bars.

As I sat on bench with head on wall I noticed a large sign in front of my cell This area is audio and video surveillance and a camera on my ceiling. It was still in my head that this was a reality series or joke someone was playing on me. So I began to sing. Amazing grace how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me….praying Father now would be a good time for angels to bust open those doors and come and get me. Please refer to Acts 5:19 and 16:25.

The officers opened the prison door and the woman who was crying came in. She took her seat across from me. And another officer called me by my maiden name because apparently my married name of 20 years is my alias. And I looked at him and I looked at her and I did what Jesus would do. I hugged her and told her I would be back, not to worry. That God was with her.

You see if God lives in me and I am in that cell with her well common sense tells me God is with her. It is no longer me. It is He that lives in me.

The officer said it was for medical and my response was am I pregnant? He said surprised no should you be I said no but I already saw the nurse and the last thing she gave me was a pregnancy test. He said no its for a medical Qand A evaluation. I said oh okay. I asked how long he was working said he was on his 15th hour he said he worked a double they were short handed. I thanked him for his service. He took me down the hall to see an office where he sat at desk and on opposite wall a chair with a micophone and computer screen. A nurse came up and asked me to state my name I said…. She said I wasn’t in the system and sent me back. So he walked me back. And apologized. I told him it was okay. He said at least you got to walk around I thought. Yeah I guess but I wanted to get back to my new found friend.

When I walked in I sat down by this time she had composed herself. I think God took me out so that He could calm her. I crossed my leg and leaned in and turned into a missionary. I said I don’t know how much time I have but it’s obvious to me God brought me here for you. What is your name she said it. I spelled it she nodded. I told her my name. Our names were separated by one letter in the alphabet. The beginning and the end. She explained hers was the last 4 letters of her name. I thought that was cool. Then I asked what she was there for.

She is a 57 year old woman who was caught with drug possession. Methamphetamines. She was sentenced to 6 months in a half way house. It is her belief that she started to take drugs because of her ADHD meds. Which are the legal form of amphetamines. So she was trying to wean herself off her ADHD meds. When they did a shake down, she was holding more than she should have and they called it hoarding with intent to sell. She was going to jail for 5 years. No bail. Just like that. Her life was so she thought ruined. I said I can’t help you but what we can do is pray that God have mercy, leniency and grace. I asked if she believed in God. She said she was raised by an atheist and a roman catholic. I shared my story of God’s saving grace. I said the best way I can explain God to you is this…

He is every good and perfect thing in your life. He is the light in the darkness. And I don’t know if you noticed it but this world is a pretty dark place. Not a whole lot of good in it. In fact being here is a dark thing but He sent me here to be with you to let you know that you are not alone. And that is good. He is good. She nodded.

And the officer came back in. He asked why I was there I told him apparently grand larceny 27 year old warrant. He was in disbelief. I said exactly. I sat down stated my name and she tells the officer she wanted someone else. I am still not in the system. So he apologizes once again and takes me back to my cell.

My cellie asked why I was there I explained and we exchanged stories about our life married, kids, family, work, friends. Trying to find common ground. Love was the common ground. I couldn’t relate to her, her upbringing, her life experiences but I could relate to her love for the people in her life. And the distance in her family. And the sorrows she carried.

She was getting sleepy blurry eyes she was wiping, she could have sworn my blanket and cup were colors and a coloring book. I suggested she lay down. I asked if she wanted to use my mat to double up the mat on the ground she said no. I said you sure? I don’t plan to sleep here. I asked if she wanted my blanket and she insisted she wasn’t going to take my things. I said okay.

The officer came back and apologized. He said 9 times out of 10 people say they are innocent. But you are the real deal. He spoke to my arresting officer and said you know this is bullshit. I said yeah. He said you are getting an attorney right? I said yes. He said and you are posting bail so don’t get too comfortable I said I know.

My cellie chimed in after he left. You better visit me when you get out. I said I will.

And then the reality hit me. This was real. This was happening. And I prayed and sang…The pathway is broken. And the signs are unclear. And I don’t know the reason why you brought me here. But just because you love me the way that you do. I’m gonna walk through the valley if you want me to. This may not be the way I would have chosen. When you lead me through a world that’s not my home. But you never said it would be easy. You only said I’d never go alone….

When I meditate on God in solitude. Quiet my mind and come into His presence He appears to me like a blue dancing orb. Every time I closed my eyes in jail that is what I saw the blue dancing orb. So I wasn’t afraid. There was a peace in me I can’t explain. God had me there for a reason. For His good purpose for me. For reasons I may never know. Trust me I’ve done lots of things and some that may have deserved me going to jail for but definitely not what they accuse me of, I am not guilty of grand larceny.

The officer called me back to the nurses station once more time. She asked my name and this time it was right. She asked if I had all sorts of illnesses, needed to see a doctor in any pain and the last question stuck with me. Has anyone in my family or friends committed suicide. I clarified friends? She said yes it is their belief that when someone close to an inmate has taken their life that it gives us suicide ideation. I said well I work with Celebrate Recovery and our CR brother committed suicide a couple weeks ago. His funeral was yesterday. She asked how I was doing? I lokoed down at my orange scrubs and said if you are asking me I am suicidal the answer is no. She said okay we just needed verbal confirmation. She asked the officer for my stats and he read them off to her.

He walked me back to my cell. Apologized for my loss. And it helped to put my life into perspective. You see I am walking down a corridor being on trial for a crime I didn’t commit. All the while there is a woman who will never see her husband again. Never hold him. Never hear him say He loved her except through the last text he sent her before he took his life. This corridor doesn’t seem so bad, this place I am in, in my life is nothing compared to the sorrow she has to carry. My battle has just begun.

My cellie was asleep her snore brought me comfort she snored like my husband when he is sleeping on the couch. And I found peace even in that. I laid on the steel bench. Gave in to using the blanket as my pillow and prayed. And then another officer came. A different one. He said my maiden name and that he needed to process me. I got up as though I would be back. And as we walked down the hall he said we are also going to exit you out. I said okay.

They took me around the corner where they had me sign some documents. Then they digitally fingerprinted me. When they went to print my palm a void kept showing up in the center and rejecting it. She had to press my palm on the plate to get a good read. Reminding me God is with me, in me, working through me, fighting for me. My name is written on the palm of His hand.

They took a DNA swab and photographed me facing forward and side. And then she game me my clothes and escorted me to a changing room. I folded up my clothes and laid them in the garment tub to the side. She is clothed with dignity and strength no sense balling them up. Christ already paid the price for me. He folded his things up before he left this world so why shouldn’t I.

They took me back to the holding area this time it was empty. They had the SYFY channel playing Snow White and the Huntsman was on. And I read the court papers for appearance. I am being charged with Theft of rental property. And it came to me…

In 1997 my then fiancé car broke down he worked as an account manager for Coca Cola and needed a car to work but didn’t have a credit card. I didn’t have a license. They took his license and my credit card. For reasons I can’t remember he couldn’t return the car so he called the car rental place to pick it up. They sent a tow truch and had it towed away. We moved to TX shortly after. Got married. And returned to CO. On our way to work he was pulled over for a traffic infraction making a right turn on no right turn on red, sign posted. The officers took him in on a warrant “theft of rental property” I bailed him out. He was suspended from his job pending further investigation. I bailed him out. He went to court and when he returned I asked what happened? He explained case was dismissed because they have their car. And I never asked or thought anything of it. Until now, he never was allowed to return to work. He got another job. And we never brought it up again. I have been divorced from him these last 20 years. I have had no contact with him.

And why it is coming up now has everyone bewildered and baffled. Statue of limitations on this is 3-5 years. This happened Thur I was arrested at 3 and when I walked out of jail it was 1030pm. My husband had been there since 5pm. He said they didn’t even have me in the system till 8pm and he gave the bond as soon as my name appeared. It took another 2 and a half hours to take me out.

When I got home I wept. After all I am having a human experience. I trust and believe that nothing happens without reason. Countless things have happened since that prove God is in this with me. That there is a battle taking place in the spiritual forces but I am not backing down. My lawyers name is Michael. Also not a coincidence. The week leading up to my arrest my cousin released a book giving me special acknowledgement for my spiritual guidance on his journey, we received unexpected blessings, I was supposed to attend a meeting to pray over the new place we were hosting Celebrate Recovery. I was asked to submit a video to teach mentors how to better engage in conversation with their mentees to help them share their thoughts and manage their feelings, I was getting ready to host my 2nd womens worship night, which happens to also be the day after my court appearance, and all I can think is I was shining too bright. The enemy had to dim this light. But God…

In Celebrate Recovery we are taught to do an inventory when our emotions get the best of us. Each column we write who, what they did, how I felt, what it damaged, how I reacted even how I wanted to react because you can sin in thought just as much as in deed and how I responded. Who hurt me I looked at my paperwork and wrote the people of the State of CO because that is who is against me. The next day in my devotions they asked who is my enemy? And I responded the accuser is my enemy. Then they asked what would it take to love your enemies to pray for them. I said I don’t love or hate anyone. I honestly have no feeling for the men and women God is using to do their job for all I know they need to be a witness to His saving power in my life. The next day my devotional read. “Share my word of overcoming grace with others, for their hearts are now ready to hear the song of triumph.”

As I said the battle is not over yet but today I realized the battle is not mine. I can do nothing but wait and the enemy has made me suffer spiritually, mentally, emotionally, physically and financially finding his satisfaction in the wait. And I decided today am done giving him the satisfaction of my misery. So just as I allowed this to rob me of my life these last few days. I am now taking my life back up.

I share this story so that people will know to prepare yourselves. Come what may. I don’t know any other way to live in heaven and still be attached to earth except to spend every moment I can coming to know my Father through devotionals, prayer, praise music, teachings, fellowship with others in Christ. The AM is my I Am time. My ordinary faith proved to be my strength in the trial. In this trial. The armor of God my shield. I knew through the study of His Word that the testing would start with God’s children. So in a way this was no surprise it has actually been rather comical. Proving the Scripture she laughs without fear of the future Proverbs 31:25 Throughout my life I have been tested by the fires many times over but there is something different about this, like the balance of darkness and light is shifting. Feb 20th I will arrive at Jeffco to face my charges but I do not come alone as 2 Kings 6:16 reminds me I need not be afraid for there are more on my side than theirs.

Who dares accuse me whom God has chosen for His own? No one-for God Himself has given me right standing with Himself. Who then will condemn me? No one- for Christ Jesus died for me and was raised to life for me and he is sitting in the place of honor at God's right hand, pleading for me. Can anything ever separate me from Christ's love? Does it mean He no longer loves me if I have trouble or calamity or are persecuted or hungry or destitute or in danger or threatened with death? As the Scriptures say “for your sake we are killed every day; we are being slaughtered like sheep.” No, despite all these things overwhelming victory is mine through Christ who loved me. And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate me from God's love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither my fears for today nor my worries about tomorrow-not even the powers of hell can separate me from God's love, Romans 8:33-38 I wonder if that can be my closing argument. lol

Recovered Relationship Part Three

July 1 2023

I am a grateful believer of Jesus Christ who Celebrates Recovery from…financial struggles.

What was the insanity of my life before recovery…my most recent bought was right before COVID we helped my sister move from TX to CO with nothing but an overnight bag. We offered to help her rebuild her life…on credit cards. We believed we would have plenty of time to pay them off. What we couldn’t predict was when the pandemic hit 9 months later my husband would be reduced to working part time. By the grace of God my sister was working full time at a nursing home and was able to pay us rent for her space to make up for part of the loss. When we added up the debt we had accumulated 25k in debt and our income was about to be cut in half.

What are some of the circumstances that others can relate to… growing up my mother never openly talked about money. I never saw her budget or use credit cards. My step father was an investment banker and my mother was a bank teller. They raised 3 kids including myself. I got new clothes and shoes once a year for school. I didn’t have the desire to sign up for anything “extra” curricular. Content to read in my room or hang out with friends. My parents didn’t encourage me to do anything.

We never left state for vacations, our vacations consisted of drives to theme parks in Houston and Dallas, 3 day trips where we stayed in a hotel 2 nights, one day to arrive and swim in the pool, then one day to play at the park and early the next day we checked out, visited the surrounding cities before driving back home. We drove to the beaches like Port Aransas and Corpus Christi several times a year. But those were day trips we never stayed the night. But it never occurred to me we were not wealthy. Wealth was defined as something different if I had a roof over my head, utilities, clothes and transportation we were living large.

In the 5th grade when my mom divorced my step father we moved in with my grandmother I think this is when I experienced poverty. All I know is I didn’t have a roof to call my own for the first time in my life and so began the 28 moves till I was 28 years old.

My mother passed away when I was 13 and this is when I learned to budget. My mothers’ death benefits gave my brother and I $300 a month till we turned 18 my sister turned 18 the day we buried my mother so she had no benefits. Shortly after school let out we moved out of my grandmas. My portion of the rent on a two bedroom apartment in 1988 was $150. I shared a room with my sister as we always had growing up. $50 for utilities. $20 transportation for a bus pass. Leaving $80 for food, entertainment, clothes, shoes and medical each month. And that’s how I survived till I turned 18 my senior year of high school. Looking back I see how the grace of God was with me. Within a year my sister and I moved into a 1 bedroom apartment on our shoe string budget. We always budgeted and spoke openly about money every penny. Because we had to survive on every penny. I didn’t start keeping money in a piggy bank till my son was born. There was no such thing as spare change. Every penny had a purpose.

I got my first job working as a movie theater attendant. Anything above $300 and I thought I was rich.

I took a gap year after high school to work even more. Became an assistant manager of gift shop. Learning the benefit of not having parental authority is I became what was called a “ward of the state” meaning my education was mostly paid for. So I tried to make up my freshman year of college in summer school. After all I had graduated with honors how hard could it be but found out how foolish that decision was.

By the spring of my sophomore year I managed to get off probation and start making sense of things when I met a boy on college leave at work. He was going to a school in CO and invited me to visit for spring break. The 1 week visit turned into 2 weeks and I dropped out of college, pawned everything I owned of value and with a backpack and suitcase I moved to CO.

I got a 1 room place just off campus that I paid for with a credit card and so began my descent into debt, I worked two jobs to survive. My life was work, sleep, eat repeat.

And finally a breakthrough I got a job across from where I lived. Then I met my first husband who promised to take care of me and in exchange I took care of his 1 year old son. His job transferred him to TX where he immediately lost his job. I quickly learned he couldn’t hold a job for more than a year. In that time we lived in garages, motels, in extreme poverty, By the time his son was 3 we gave him up for an open adoption due to the financial burdens we carried. And I went back to working, 3 months after I was hired the company relocated to CO. So back to CO I went.

We lived with his siblings before we found our own place. Several years later my job filed for bankruptcy and I was out of a job for 1 week because even though I didn’t know God He was watching out for me.

I was applying for a retail position and someone in the dressing room overheard me. It was the manager of another store around the corner from where I was applying. Her district manager gave me a manager position in a mall near where I lived and I was quickly promoted to a larger store so we moved to live closer to it.

Within 2 years I left my first husband and moved in with the man who would become my second husband. He worked for the airline industry and during our time together he showed me most of the 52 states. He took care of the finances. I gave him a portion of my check each month and the rest I was able to keep for myself. I never had money to spend before so I felt like a kid in a candy store. By the time I left the world to serve God 10 years ago I was 12k in debt.

And then Dec 2015 the unthinkable happened. My husband fell off my neighbors roof head first and suffered a traumatic brain injury among other injuries but that story is for another testimony. The rest of the debt was revealed while he was in a coma. Numbers started adding up, bills started arriving and payments were due. I didn’t know the life he gave me was all on credit. 40k to be exact. And when the medical bills came due after the insurance paid out almost 5million dollars our cost was 120k for his 41 days in the hospital and rehab.

God found me in 2009 and for 21 years of making ends meet on my own I never looked to Him for help with my finances until that year.

As I said before by the time I left the world to serve God I was 12k in debt that I paid off immediately when my 401k was cashed out. Then when my husband fell off the roof for a year we added to the credit card debt trying to pay off the medical debt first. I tried to get a job to help but I kept being turned down for being what they called “overqualified”. Even in the denial it was God’s saving grace. At my last application submission I heard God say in my Spirit to wait and by the end of Oct a month later we learned my husband had been paying into an accidental death and dismemberment insurance that covered medical expenses outside what insurance covered.

We had up to 1 year of the accident to file a claim. And by the end of Nov we were medically debt free. Now came the credit card debt. By this time we found ourselves 60k in debt. We had been living on credit cards the entire year paying for food, gas, our sons needs. Basically, whatever wasn’t a medical bill, insurance or mortgage and utilities was put on the credit cards.

In Dec we laid it all out for the first time in our marriage. Humanly speaking it should have taken us 7 years to pay it off. When I saw what God could do with our medical debt, it gave me faith to believe He was able to do it with our personal debt. After all I was only believing for half the miracle He performed the year before. So we became faithful to paying it all off.

We began our debt journey by reading The Total Money Makeover by Dave Ramsey. Saved a 1k emergency fund as suggested, stopped using credit cards, created a cash system for tithe, food, transportation, housing and then put every extra penny we had on the debt.

We kept the internet, turned off the cable service. Watched public TV and for movies we had our DVD collection. We didn’t eat out. Had breakfast for dinner and soup and salad at least twice a week to cut back on food expenses and learned to live on a $5 a day per person food budget and gave $10 to our son to manage as he saw fit.

We found other ways to save like the 3 squares of toilet paper for pee and 4 squares for poop method, we shopped at goodwill for clothes, and took my husbands 401k to a minimum contribution. We cashed in life insurance policies, relying on company sponsored ones instead. Made coffee instead of buying it at our favorite coffee shop, used reusable coffee pods instead of kcups and asked family and friends for gift cards for Christmas and birthdays to cover anything we couldn’t afford. We started with our lowest debt snow balled it into our highest debt including car payments. Even put our taxes toward the debt. By Aug I owned my car free and clear and had no debt to my name. By Feb the following year my husband was also debt free. It didn’t take us 7 years by the perseverance, endurance and grace God provided it took us just over a year to pay everything off.

As a child I found joy in buying new things to make me happy- clothes, knick knacks, crafts, jewelry. As an adult that joy got more expensive in taste. I soothed myself by shopping when I wasn’t engaging in my other addictions. I tried to escape the pain of my past by shopping on the internet. Holding onto my anger and resentments affected me when I depended on the joy in physical attachments, possessions, vacations and people. I thought my husband was taking care of everything. It wasn’t till his fall that I realized it was too much for him to carry alone.

About a year after the debt was paid we realized we didn’t need that much to live on. So we created a bare minimum budget and whatever we brought in over we gave away above our 10%. We could have never fathomed that in 1 year we were able to bless those in need with over 25k in tithe. And we lived comfortably on 50% of what we made. That triggered a give it all away response hence the start of this testimony helping my sister the next year but that experience was a learning one too.

I should have been enslaved to my debt for 7 years but God freed me in less than a year. Every time we paid something off it was like giving ourselves a raise. You could say my husband got 9 raises over that year because what we didn’t have to pay a credit card or make a car payment. Everything was cash in our pockets. He didn’t have to work as hard anymore. No more overtime. He actually took his two days off for the first time since I met him. We still have our struggles it’s a monthly battle to stay mindful of how much we are spending we have not perfected it but God is still working in us to do what pleases Him. Right now we have a 3k debt we are tackling when I became comfortable and thought we didn’t need a budget anymore. Lesson learned again.

I love people with my time, my talents, my acts of service and less through physical gifts. I have nothing I can offer but I offer everything I have.

I rely less on physical things to make me happy and more on just enjoying the conversations and learning about people and their stories than the money we spend.

I gave God control of my resources, now He gets the first portion and we live on the rest and rely on Him for the wisdom to distribute it effectively. I can officially call myself a philanthropist who manages how we give.

I learned through Celebrate Recovery that I don’t need to feed my needs with anything but God to fill me. It’s all connected physical, Spiritual, emotional, financial, He is the source of it all. So when one area of my life is out of balance the other areas compensate. There should be a daily sifting and sorting and checks and balances. Before it gets out of balance.

My relationship with my husband has improved because a lot of the stress we carried came from the financial stress. The time I spend with God is free so I spend lots of time with Him. When I am hurting I pray. When I am tired I rest. When I am angry, resentful or stressed I work through my feelings by doing an inventory worksheet so that I can see it from a black, white and red perspective. Blank ink, white paper, blood of the lamb and the word of my testimony. I fellowship and break bread with people. I send out weekly accountability reports because I hid a huge portion of my life from people for so long now I live for all to see what Christ has done in me.

All my life I searched for love in everything but God. And Celebrate Recovery helped me to find that love only comes from Him. Not in Family, not in friends, not in relationships with people, not in my job, not in what I do. I am loved not because of these I am loved because I belong to Him. Period. And nothing and no one can separate me from that.

I encourage a newcomer with the ministry motto “one day at time”. We have been given 12 hours. I can’t change yesterday, what I did or who I was. The only power I have is in this present moment right here, right now with who I am today. I try to make it matter, make it count, cause I won’t get this day back again. And I may not have tomorrow, as my husbands’ fall taught me. But what I did today will matter to someone because I shared it with them.

When it comes to finances Psalm 37:19 They will not be disgraced in hard times; even in famine they will have more than enough. And Ephesians 1:3 All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly realms because we are united with Christ.

There are things in this life money can’t buy love, joy, peace, patience, goodness, kindness, faithfulness and wisdom…these all come from God the benefits He gives and if I look in each day hard enough I will find them all in my day without having to spend a single cent. They are found in me to give freely and in the people God puts in my life to share it with. Wealthy is the person who has the things that money can’t buy.